Everyday I list down all the things I did and decide if it’s a day wasted or a productive day or a happy day or sad day. I just cut my hair, shorter than anyone would expect me to cut my hair.
I’ve been trying to regain myself. I want to want what everyone hates again. I want to be nice again. I want my life back, okay. But sometimes, I feel so pretentious in some way. Especially with the hair. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying prove something, ya know.
But all I know is when I lost you, I lost a part of myself. And unlike everyone else, no, I don’t feel a hole in my chest. No, I don’t feel hallow inside. But I feel like every piece me fell and went all over the place. I don’t know where to put which. But I’m trying to be okay. And I know I’m getting there. Soon.
I actually feel like my hair is symbolic, okay. I wanted to cut it for a long time now and I’m always “maybe tomorrow” “or next weekend” and then last night, I was blogging, and I got up and took my scissors and cut my hair. I started with 5 inches okay. AND THAT’S A LOT FOR ME. And then I said, if I’m gonna cut this, I want it to be noticeable and shit so I cut it again and again and again.
It took me whileto do this. YES, it’s shorter than I prefer but I believe that it was too long and dry before I cut it.
I’m happy with the way it looks. It’s time to try something different and it’s time to actually feel light and good without the use of anything. You don’t need hair or a guy to feel beautiful, it’s all about what you feel inside.
And maybe it takes me a long time to say good bye. But saying goodbye to something you really love when you know you really need to will be as painful as hell but you know, someday, maybe a few minutes later or a couple of days after, you’ll be able to smile and say “Well, it was worth it.”